15 Ways To Break Up With A Friend

1. Ignore their phone calls, texts, emails, Facebook messages, etc. Make yourself completely unavailable to them. Sooner or later they will (hopefully) eventually get the hint.

2. Start spending time with someone you know they hate in the hope that they’ll start spending less time with you.

3. Pursue their boyfriend/girlfriend and if they don’t have one, pursue the ex they never got over. (You’re a terrible person if you do this one by the way.)

4. Tell the loud-mouth/gossip mutual friend of yours that you think the friendship is over. Sure enough it will get back to them and when they contact you simply say, “I plea the 5 th .”

5. Write them a letter — a good old-fashioned letter written in Victoria-style cursive explaining why the friendship is over.

6. Delete them from Facebook. It’s one thing when Joe Schmo you met once at a party deletes you from Facebook but when it’s a friend, they’re basically saying, “Bitch, I don’t even want to see you virtually.”

7. Fake your death. This one gets really tricky because your family and other friends might have to be in on the facade too.

8. Get a restraining order.

9. Move cities. You’ve always wanted to and now you get the added benefit of hoping that a move away from your current city will cause this unwanted friendship to dissolve. (Unless of course you both currently live in different cities in which case refer to no. 1.)

10. Join a cult and tell your friend that you are no longer allowed to communicate socially with people who are not members.

11. Tell your friend that you are participating in a sociological study which requires you to cut off communication with one friend and you chose them. Be sure to add that the length of time of the study is indefinite.

12. Send them a package with pictures of the two of you and anything they ever gave you. Label the box, “This Friendship Is Over.” Screen their calls after you’ve mailed the package.

13. Make them a CD. (People still do that?) Songs should include: Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch, Forget You by Cee-Lo, Deuces by Chris Brown, and even Ridin’ Solo by Jason Derulo. Label the playlist, “A Collection of Romantic Break-Up Songs That Now Apply to This Friendship.”

14. Buy them a puppy with the following note: “Dog is man’s best friend and you’ll be needing one too because we are no longer friends.”

15. Tell your friend you need some space. Reflect on the friendship and decide whether breaking-up is really what you want. If it is, don’t just ignore them and make them feel like a piece of shit with passive aggressive behavior. You obviously once liked/loved this person and they at least deserve your respect. Then do the adult thing — tell them that for whatever reason the friendship just doesn’t seem to be working and maybe in the future things could change but right now from your point of view, the friendship has simply run its course. Emphasis on the reflection part though. When you respect a friend enough to intentionally break-up with them, there’s usually no turning back.

4 Comments

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